I Was Pregnant and Excited. Then I Faced a Devastating Decision

Our first daughter, Kylie, was born in 2017. It took us four months to get pregnant with her, which wasn't long in the grand scheme of things, but longer than I had wanted. Before we had Kylie, my very first pregnancy was unexpected and shocking. I came off birth control in 2015 after 15 years of taking it and I got pregnant straight away. Unfortunately, I didn't realize it. At the time, I wasn't feeling well. I was at work and I had awful headaches. I would drive home feeling exhausted. For those few days, I didn't eat very well, but I thought that it was because I was working long hours. I felt like this through Thanksgiving. We went up to my partner's cousin's house in Orange County and she had just had a baby a year prior. She was very excited that we were planning to start our own family, so she gave me a bunch of pregnancy and ovulation tests.

I'd never bought any before, so I was a little scared and nervous to do them. When we got home from Orange County later that weekend, I went to the bathroom in the middle of the day and I thought, "I'm just going take an ovulation test and see what happens," partly because I wanted to practice as I'd never used a pregnancy stick before in my life. I pulled one out and did the ovulation test. It instantly popped up positive. I thought it was very strange, so I did another one and got the same result. I remembered reading somewhere that when you use ovulation tests while pregnant, they'll pop up positive. I started remembering all of the awful feelings I'd had for the prior two weeks, and the fact that I'd just finished my period, which meant I couldn't be pregnant. I thought my hormones were adjusting as I came off birth control, but I still began wondering: "What if I am pregnant?" So, I took a pregnancy test and it was immediately positive. I was shaking like a leaf. I went downstairs and asked my partner to come up and look at it and the result, and he assured me that the pregnancy tests were definitely positive. I was excited but also very concerned because I had just finished my period, and with the way timing works, you're usually supposed to have a positive pregnancy a while after your period is finished, not a week later. I called my doctor and they had me come in for blood work. That was the start of my awful journey. They drew blood and looked at my HCG levels, which determines if you're pregnant. The doctor said that my HCG levels were low, but that it was normal at the beginning of a pregnancy, especially if you happen to catch it early. I came back two days later and the levels had only gone up a little bit, but hardly.

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The doctor then said that they were going to take more blood as there was a chance that my pregnancy could be viable and that I may be miscarrying. I was immediately devastated because I was very excited to be pregnant. The weeks that followed were very long. My hormone levels kept going up and down. That's when the doctor called me and told me what I was dreading. She said: "I'm pretty sure you have something called an ectopic pregnancy, which is where the egg does not implant in the uterus, but in the fallopian tube or the ovary." I was scared because ectopic pregnancies, if not caught soon enough, can burst your fallopian tube and cause real danger. I was terrified because my life was in jeopardy. My partner, Mike, and I had to make a very tough decision in the end. We had to give up on there being any hope in this pregnancy, and it was right before Christmas. At that point, I was sent in for a D&C. A doctor looked to see if there was an egg anywhere in my uterus, and they found nothing. It was awful. My HCG levels still weren't dropping on their own, which meant my body wasn't miscarrying the pregnancy on its own. The doctors were concerned, so they sent me to an oncology unit in the hospital, which was depressing. I was the only person my age present; everyone else was much older. I was scheduled to get a shot of methotrexate which is a chemotherapy drug used to help your body rid itself of an egg. The procedure hurt very much; it felt like something out of a movie. I had to go by myself because my husband had taken off so much time from work to come with me to all the other appointments that he couldn't make it to this one. I felt awful. I'll never forget one instance when the nurse asked me: "Is this your first time in here?" I replied: "Yes, my first and hopefully my last." After that, my partner and I flew home to Florida for Christmas. It was horrible because there was a possibility that the drug might not work and I could experience a ruptured fallopian tube on the plane. But by New Year's Eve, the drug had worked and my HCG levels were back to zero, which was relieving. I am so incredibly lucky and grateful every day that I am safe. What I had to go through was devastating. I hope that I don't ever have to go through it again. I was told that the chance of an ectopic pregnancy happening again after your first time is 15 percent, which is a big jump compared to the normal chances of having an ectopic pregnancy, which is 3 percent. In May 2018, my partner and I conceived again, but the pregnancy unfortunately ended in an early miscarriage. The following month, in June 2018, I successfully became pregnant again—this time with my second child, Mia. I was worried, but the pregnancy was healthy and I gave birth to her in March 2019. Although my personal journey to finally becoming a parent was fraught with heart-wrenching difficulty, I feel like these experiences have served to strengthen my character and deepen the sense of gratitude and appreciation I have for my two beautiful children. Ashley Yeh is a certified Infant/Toddler Montessori guide and author of the book "The Montessori Home: Create a Space for Your Child to Thrive" (DK, 2022). She also shares video content on YouTube that focuses on helping parents to incorporate Montessori parenting principles into their home. All views expressed in this article are the author's own. Do you have a unique experience or personal story to share? Email the My Turn team at myturn@newsweek.com.

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